Grab the tissue box.
In a world that takes itself far too seriously at times, it is nice to be reminded that gaming can provide a great escape. Whether you are exploring rich and vibrant lands full of wonder and intrigue, solving crimes by analysing and scrutinising minute details with photoreal graphics, slipping into some spandex and dousing yourself in baby oil to live out your dreams of becoming a sporting superstar or whipping out your todger and cranking one-off in the name of sticking it to the man, quite literally it seems, as that is exactly what the premise of Wanking Simulator is all about.
Step into the shoes of Winston Gay, who doesn’t actually wear any shoes and isn’t actually gay. But Winston does have superpowers or “spells” that can be charged by wanking, imagine how many comic book characters would have more relatable origin stories if this was actually the case. Can you imagine if Spider-Man managed to climb walls because he has spunk fingers instead of spider hairs, if Wonder Woman ensnared criminals with the lasso of lubrication and as for Aquaman!… actually, I’m digressing, but you get the picture.
Pulling one off.
The point is this is a game that aims to inject a huge dose of humour into the formula and for the shortest of time, it manages to do just that. After all, the concept of edging your way around your home town of Gay Bay to stop crooked cops, dastardly priests and foil government conspiracies armed only with your population paste is something so ridiculous it is probably still in the unused file of one of the Saints Row scripts. But that is what you will be spending your time doing in Wanking Simulator. Running around causing as much mayhem as possible in this almost sandbox environment full of slapstick ragdoll animations.
Along the way you will encounter a couple of allies, the most memorable of which is John Dick, a man who shares an uncanny resemblance to Keanu Reeves infamous character but lacks any of the badass qualities. He does, however, have a hot air balloon which you can use to seagull enemies and drop spunk balloons to cover a wider area if you find yourself in a sticky situation… or want to put someone in a sticky situation, well, whatever way you look at it.
Missions actually have objectives.
Each mission will set you a number of tasks, both required and optional, these will range from Wanking on the Police Chief, Wanking up a tree, Run over a set number of people, Deliver an item to someone and so on. All this sounds fairly chaotic but for all it’s Rated R bravado, Wanking Simulator isn’t actually out to offend anyone, though it probably will because people like to be offended then piss and moan about it all over social media otherwise what else would they have to do with their day. But the game itself is all done in the name of fun, genitalia is blurred, The Sims style, so you won’t actually see any tally whackers on display unless some pervy little modder has had a boring day.
The violence is, well, not very violent, as mentioned before, the physics are about as ragdoll as you can get and although you may kick and run over people to your heart’s content, all you really end up doing is stunning them as they bounce around like water balloons, honestly, this game is about as violent as The Simpsons: Hit & Run.
And that pretty much sums up the gameplay, what did you expect, it’s a game about wanking, not Metal Gear Solid. What you expect of this game is pretty much what you are going to get, and whether you find it fun, or even entertaining will very much be determined by how much you had to drink before you started playing it. Personally, what could have been a great comical outing very much just turned into a silly mess and I didn’t find myself having much fun, something my 14 year old self would never had thought. I applaud the developers for saying f**k it, let’s just do something stupid and running with it but the experience as a whole doesn’t have much to offer outside of a few random laughs designed for people who are fans of those parody movies that are so low budget they make Jackass look like a Spielberg movie.
Let’s discuss performance, stop that sniggering at the back!
Wanking Simulator ran pretty well, which is a blessing considering there is no excuse for something so basic to run badly. But the game is based on very loose physics which to its credit, help keep things moving along at a fast pace through each mission with basic controls for mouse and keyboard on hand, though at time of playing there was no controller support for those who prefer something a bit thicker in their hands. Wanking Sim requires little in the way of a beefy rig to play so those with more basic laptops or PC’s can experience this bizarre outing if they wish which will set them back less than £8 though likely less as I am certain this game will be in every Steam sale from now until the end of time.
Wanking Simulator pretty much does what it says on the tin, there were no surprises here and personally very little entertainment, not because I’m a prude, but because this feels like it actually could have been good if a bit more effort went into it, wait, where have I heard that before?
Anyway, the slapstick animations and Saturday morning cartoon humour sometimes combined to make me blow air out of my nose faster than normal in that new-age way of expressing laughter, but there really is very here I can recommend for, well, anyone.
Release Date: 19/03/2020
No. of Players: 1
Category: Simulation, Arcade
Publisher: Ultimate Games S.A.
Download link: Steam