iOS version tested
Review code provided
Nothing could have prepared me for parenthood. The acid reflux. The fear of anyone anywhere within a 10 mile radius making even the slightest sound while baby was sleeping. The realisation that you’re responsible for something alive, and your track record with house plants and goldfish really ain’t that great. My daughter is 2 and a half years old, but I swear to you, in those 30 months since our little bundle of joy arrived on the scene, I have aged at least 20 years.
If you find yourself in a similar predicament to myself, or perhaps you have a small person baking in your significant others belly as we speak, then worry no longer, because some nice chap named Matt Simpson has crafted the ultimate guide to making it out of parenthood alive and it will change your life forever.
The Parenting Simulator, which finally drops onto Steam on May 7th, is the latest release from the mind that brought you the excellent interactive novel Nuclear Powered Toaster. In this text-based adventure through parenthood, players attempt to successfully raise a child through the first 18 years of his or her life, covering everything from baby’s first steps to little Jimmy’s first driving test in which he may or may not mow down 6 innocent bystanders before driving his car into a lake. I may be making one of these choices up, but this is a spoiler-free review so I won’t tell you which one.
As a new parent this game offers you the chance to experience every eventuality in your kids life, and explores how your actions can shape this tiny little person as they grow into an adult. That’s some heavy stuff, believe me. But consider this a practice run for the real thing and with any luck you won’t be raising your very own future serial killer. Likewise, if you were on the fence about having kids then this is a pretty unique way to help you choose.
Matt Simpson has obviously poured his heart into coming up with close to 200,000 words and around 60 different scenarios to make sure that no 2 playthroughs are the same, and to keep things feeling fresh there are multiple endings to choose from depending on how you decide to play the game – and the best part about all of this is nobody can report you to social services no matter how bad a job you do – unless that’s Matt’s next slice-of-life novel, in which case I wish I’d done a better job at raising little Ass-Face Jnr.
The Parenting Sim is available on iOS, Android, and Amazon, and drops on Steam May 7th. It is a fun distraction to pass a little time while you’re playing on your phone, be it on the bus, in the bath, or while you’re curled up in a ball crying on the bathroom floor because you haven’t slept in forever.
TBG Score: 8/10
Platform: iOS, Android, Amazon, Steam
Release Date: 30/09/2019
No. of Players: 1
Category: Sim, RPG
Developer: Hosted Games
Publisher: Hosted Games
Download link: Steam